The Forum - Al-Anon's Magazine

Who knows why, but I needed people to need me. Alcohol dominated the home where I grew up. I couldn't wait to leave, but where would I go? Why would anyone want me or love me?

It's no surprise I fell in love with an alcoholic--he needed someone and I could be that someone. Everything I did cemented our mutual dependencies. If he needed me, he wouldn't leave me. In my mind, being alone was worse than poverty, verbal abuse, and neglect.

In my Al-Anon recovery I learned to let God be God and not to depend on a sick person for my needs. I grew to stop needing the alcoholic, one need at a time. As I stopped being needy, I no longer encouraged him to depend on me. This scared me, because why would he stay if he didn't need me?

Today the God of my understanding needs me and uses me in many ways. The God of my understanding provides for my finances--job, car, food, and home--and my companionship--family, service work, fellowship, coworkers, and community.

My life is fun, full, interesting, and uplifting. I am busy, always on the go, and on to the next new assignment from the Divine Spirit. I don't need the alcoholic for any of these things. The alcoholic doesn't need me for anything and guess what, we are still happily married after more than 25 years. I am free from needing someone to need me. I am free to love.

Love Makes the Difference By Nancy F., California

Fifteen years ago I went to Al-Anon. Lonely, depressed, scared, and confused, I didn't think I had any reason to live. I was only 24. When I left my first meeting, I sat in the car I borrowed from my parents and cried like a baby.

I cried because I felt as though I had betrayed my family by attending Al-Anon and sharing my family secret with strangers. I also cried because I felt a tremendous sense of relief--there was a reason why I felt the way I did, and I wasn't alone.

It was months before I found the courage to attend another meeting. After that, I couldn't stop going. Al-Anon was the medicine I needed to keep me from falling back down into that deep, dark pit where I had been living.

A year later I moved to California. I felt happy, as if I had my life in control, so I stopped attending meetings.

It took 13 more years to admit I had slipped back into the pit and needed help getting out again. I came back to Al-Anon. In many ways, the second time was much harder than the first, but I was lucky. My life had become so unmanageable that I forced myself to find a Sponsor right away. That was something I didn't do the first time I came to Al-Anon. Through my Sponsor's compassion, understanding, and willingness to share her experiences with me, I have gained the courage to try Al-Anon again.

There are times when my Sponsor has literally taken my hand and walked beside me until my fear was gone. It is love such as this that has made the difference for me.

Al-Anon's monthly magazine, The Forum, contains many personal stories of inspiration, three of which are made available each month on the Internet by authorization of the Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

Articles from members present their personal views and experiences. Opinions expressed here are not attributable to Al-Anon as a whole. In keeping with Tradition Eleven, individuals are identified by first names and initials only.

Photography appearing in The Forum is copyrighted and restricted for personal use only. No permission for commercial, editorial or artistic use is granted or implied. Requests for reproductions of said images should be made to photographer(s) through Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA


Welcome to Al-Anon/Alateen in the Greater Minneapolis and St. Paul Area


		The Forum Inside the Feb 2004 issue Guiding Principles Free to Love Love Makes the Difference Subscribe

	Guiding Principles By Carole R., Missouri Detachment has long been an issue for me. I was still trying to manipulate and control my adult children in their early 30s. I wanted to save my addicted son, but he was not cooperative! As time went by the slogan, "Let Go and Let God," and the Serenity Prayer were my guiding principles. However, I still found myself floundering and unable to say no to requests for money to pay for lawyers' fees or groceries. One day at a meeting I picked up the leaflet, Detachment (S-19). Someone had used a yellow highlighter to mark the words, "In Al-Anon we learn not to create a crisis," and, "In Al-Anon we learn not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events." Finding this leaflet at that particular point in my recovery meant my Higher Power was leading the way. I only needed to follow. My son is now in prison and I was able to let him follow his own path. What I could not control, he is learning for himself. I have learned to set boundaries so as not to involve myself in creating or preventing crises. I have a trusted Al-Anon Sponsor who supports me and shares her experiences with me through my heartaches and my hopes for growth. I live in gratitude, One Day at a Time. Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. Free to Love By Mary H., Minnesota Who knows why, but I needed people to need me. Alcohol dominated the home where I grew up. I couldn't wait to leave, but where would I go? Why would anyone want me or love me? It's no surprise I fell in love with an alcoholic--he needed someone and I could be that someone. Everything I did cemented our mutual dependencies. If he needed me, he wouldn't leave me. In my mind, being alone was worse than poverty, verbal abuse, and neglect. In my Al-Anon recovery I learned to let God be God and not to depend on a sick person for my needs. I grew to stop needing the alcoholic, one need at a time. As I stopped being needy, I no longer encouraged him to depend on me. This scared me, because why would he stay if he didn't need me? Today the God of my understanding needs me and uses me in many ways. The God of my understanding provides for my finances--job, car, food, and home--and my companionship--family, service work, fellowship, coworkers, and community. My life is fun, full, interesting, and uplifting. I am busy, always on the go, and on to the next new assignment from the Divine Spirit. I don't need the alcoholic for any of these things. The alcoholic doesn't need me for anything and guess what, we are still happily married after more than 25 years. I am free from needing someone to need me. I am free to love. Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA Love Makes the Difference By Nancy F., California Fifteen years ago I went to Al-Anon. Lonely, depressed, scared, and confused, I didn't think I had any reason to live. I was only 24. When I left my first meeting, I sat in the car I borrowed from my parents and cried like a baby. I cried because I felt as though I had betrayed my family by attending Al-Anon and sharing my family secret with strangers. I also cried because I felt a tremendous sense of relief--there was a reason why I felt the way I did, and I wasn't alone. It was months before I found the courage to attend another meeting. After that, I couldn't stop going. Al-Anon was the medicine I needed to keep me from falling back down into that deep, dark pit where I had been living. A year later I moved to California. I felt happy, as if I had my life in control, so I stopped attending meetings. It took 13 more years to admit I had slipped back into the pit and needed help getting out again. I came back to Al-Anon. In many ways, the second time was much harder than the first, but I was lucky. My life had become so unmanageable that I forced myself to find a Sponsor right away. That was something I didn't do the first time I came to Al-Anon. Through my Sponsor's compassion, understanding, and willingness to share her experiences with me, I have gained the courage to try Al-Anon again. There are times when my Sponsor has literally taken my hand and walked beside me until my fear was gone. It is love such as this that has made the difference for me. Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA Al-Anon's monthly magazine, The Forum, contains many personal stories of inspiration, three of which are made available each month on the Internet by authorization of the Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Articles from members present their personal views and experiences. Opinions expressed here are not attributable to Al-Anon as a whole. In keeping with Tradition Eleven, individuals are identified by first names and initials only. Photography appearing in The Forum is copyrighted and restricted for personal use only. No permission for commercial, editorial or artistic use is granted or implied. Requests for reproductions of said images should be made to photographer(s) through Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA *Subscribe to The Forum* magazine** A subscription form is included in the Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature and Service Materials order form (large PDF document)
Al-Anon / Alateen Information Services of Greater Minneapolis, Minnesota 7204 West 27th Street St. Louis Park, MN 55426 USA FIND A MEETING IN THE MINNEAPOLIS AREA OR CALL (952) 920-3961 http://www.al-anon-alateen-msp.org e-mail: alanon@pobox.com Hours: M-F 9am - 4pm, Sat 9am - 1pm St. Paul Al-Anon Intergroup Griggs Midway Building 1821 University Avenue West Suite S203 Saint Paul, MN 55104 FIND A MEETING IN THE ST. PAUL AREA OR CALL (651) 771-2208 Email: stpaulalanon@pobox.com Hours: MTWThF Noon - 4pm, Sat 9am - 1pm FIND A MEETING WORLDWIDE Al-Anon / Alateen World Service Office 1-888-4AL-ANON http://www.al-anon.alateen.org e-mail: wso@al-anon.org
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